Revelation
Timidly I offered myself
open
to religious doctrine
I knelt down a mass of clay
a blank slate, an empty vase
Halfheartedly willing
Halfheartedly I thought epiphany would strike
and save
I listened to gospel songs and wailed along
willing redemption my way
But just as no prayer ever felt fitting,
no song ever rang true
I visited church, I went to mass
listening while the priest preached, exalting Jesus' love
But if he was a carpenter
would that make me a nail?
Hammered into obedience
fixedly docile, forced into a foreign plane
I beseeched the Buddha
to lighten my burden-ladened soul
but meditations moved me no more so
than biblical citations
Untouched still
and heavy with recrimination
infinite fingers point
My faith in anything
was in shambles
I hadn't realized
a quiet part of me still
clung
to the idea of an
abstract
absolute power
I never felt so alone in the universe
until an unrealized expectation
died before fruition
open
to religious doctrine
I knelt down a mass of clay
a blank slate, an empty vase
Halfheartedly willing
Halfheartedly I thought epiphany would strike
and save
I listened to gospel songs and wailed along
willing redemption my way
But just as no prayer ever felt fitting,
no song ever rang true
I visited church, I went to mass
listening while the priest preached, exalting Jesus' love
But if he was a carpenter
would that make me a nail?
Hammered into obedience
fixedly docile, forced into a foreign plane
I beseeched the Buddha
to lighten my burden-ladened soul
but meditations moved me no more so
than biblical citations
Untouched still
and heavy with recrimination
infinite fingers point
My faith in anything
was in shambles
I hadn't realized
a quiet part of me still
clung
to the idea of an
abstract
absolute power
I never felt so alone in the universe
until an unrealized expectation
died before fruition
posted by Shelly at 6:56 PM
2 Comments:
You seem to have the alliteration in this poem, pardon the pun, nailed down. Its first person perspective is strong; it’s genuine without being overly sentimental or melodramatic. Saying that, I shall move on to my analysis:
I recommend removing the Buddhist reference from the poem as it seems to be an afterthought in context to the amount of lines (four lines vs. eighteen directly to Christianity) dedicated to your crisis in Christian faith. Much of the symbols (mass of clay, a blank slate, an empty vase/gospels/epiphany…) also allude to Christian imagery. The inserted Buddhist lines also interject (intrude) between the Christianity section and the closing lines indication your realization.
If you insist on keeping the Buddhist reference, at least expand it to similar proportion to Christian text and specify which Buddhist thought(s) to which you are referring, since you allude to both Protestantism and Catholicism (?) in your Christian section.
Minor notes and grease pencil strikethroughs: Timidly is redundant since the act of kneeling, praying would imply timidity. It also disrupts the opening cadence: “I offered myself open to…” Note how the rhythm seems stronger in addition to pattern of stressed syllables (the alternation of long ‘I’ and ‘o’ vowels).
I visited church, I went to mass…. Certainly if you attend Mass (should be capitalized) you have also attended church (thus redundant). Since the following lines refer to a priest, and the previous referred to ‘gospel songs’ (Most 20th century Protestant music, especially Southern Baptist), using Mass (Catholic, Anglican, and Orthodox services) instead of church introduces the following parallel symbols.
Overall, I think you poem is strong despite the recommended alterations.
Shelly,
First, two small thoughts:
Repetion in the line Half heartedly willing / halfheartedly I thought epiphany would strike/ and save/ does not effect me- but it could. Work on the idea of repition.
A little bit more punctution would help.
I never went to church regularly as a child, so I think I understand the idea you are trying to get at here. A sense of discovery, trying to grasp at something in church, but it's not happening because church isn't the place that the connection is found. One tries so hard. The poem could be a bit more clear though, and your pictures need emphasize. Mass is different that church. What about Jesus' love was it- that is very vague. gospel- which gospel church do you speak of here? What made the faith turn to shambles? Actually, it sounds like this person was trying to find faith to begin with, not trying to hold onto it...
A great topic for a poem. More specifics would be good though, because Catholicism very different that Christianity, etc. What makes faith grow or die? 'Tis the question.
Great idea. Good luck.
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